As a fan of science fiction and fantasy, I’m often confronted with a slew of opinions, both positive and negative about this franchise and that, Star Wars included. I’m a writer and a content creator, so I take many of these opinions to heart. I digest them to understand what the winds of popular opinion are; what people want to see in their stories.
Sometimes, I need to escape the tractor beam, and reset my navigation.
So, when a friend of mine decided they were going to host a weekend long Star Wars marathon in their unfinished, couch-laden basement in celebration of “The Rise of Skywalker” coming out in theaters, I said “Hell yeah, buddy! That sounds amazing!”
Meanwhile, at the cantina...
Together, along with a number of my good friends from college, we watched every Star Wars film, including the Ewok Adventures, and the dreaded Holiday Special (the wookie screams are still keeping me up at night).
When we started A New Hope, it was everything we all remembered and cherished.
At some point, we had a discussion about favorite Star Wars films. For me, it was a tie between “Empire Strikes Back”, and “The Force Awakens”.
Of course, the conversation drifted towards the controversy of The Last Jedi; a more recent movie which divided fans. I remember reading so many great reviews, and scathing reviews all in one sitting. There were plenty of critics and fans who hated the movie, for reasons that included what they felt was a “disappointing” plot arc, and how certain characters didn’t “fit the mold” for Star Wars. I never agreed with any of those observations, personally. I’ve felt that TLJ was an enjoyable departure from the tone of its previous film, and a continuation of a compelling story with a diverse cast.
As I write this now, the internet is aflame with reviews, rants, discussions, and criticisms of “The Rise of Skywalker”. Just like that, all of the old wounds have been re-opened.
I was reminded of how other movies were received when they came out, covering the prequels, and Return of the Jedi, which were films that also received less glamorous reviews in their time.
And just unlike nearly every storm trooper with a blaster,… it hit me!
I had a new mission!
What mission? What are you talking about?
I needed to disrupt this block of mine by finding the absolute worst reviews of the original Star Wars movie, the most cherished and loved of them all. What I found is both revealing, and amongst the most hilarious things I’ve witnessed written in anger and contempt.
Somewhere in me, I wanted to demonstrate that even the most loved franchises, and the most revered releases in those franchises, could be stomped on by someone with a keyboard in front of them, and a diploma in journalism hanging on their wall.
I wanted to demonstrate that negative opinions and disagreements were unavoidable. There would always be a snarky fellow with a computer or typewriter tearing into the things they hate. Story trolling was just another element of the cosmos. Something to be shrugged off and taken lightly.
A long time ago... from critics far, far away...
Since its inception, Star Wars has been a pillar in modern sci-fi storytelling. It’s a retelling of the hero’s journey; a space opera which started as a take on a completely different IP (Flash Gordon), before copyright problems happened and they needed to make it (mostly) original. Its pulp fantasy in a shiny new Vader suit!
Decades and several films later, it has become one of the greatest franchises in movie history.
We never think twice about it now, but we tend to forget that when the first movie came out, this was the only Star Wars movie and that it had only itself to prove. A lot of itself. Every time I watch it, I try to emulate the first experience watching it in theaters; as if it just came out. A hard thing to do.
Luckily, several critics had plenty to say about the film that help encapsulate that experience. Many ecstatic critics. … And a few angrily disappointed ones. Case and point:
“There’s no breather in the picture, no lyricism; the only attempt at beauty is in the double sunset. It’s enjoyable on its own terms, but it’s exhausting, too: like taking a pack of kids to the circus.”
This is Pauline Kael, a writer for the New Yorker who, during the high point of the movies release, was less than impressed. Pauline was not a random critic. In fact, she’s known as one of the most influential critics of her era. Her quote on Star Wars, however, hasn’t lasted well.
“It’s an epic without a dream. But it’s probably the absence of wonder that accounts for the film’s special, huge success. The excitement of those who call it the film of the year goes way past nostalgia to the feeling that now is the time to return to childhood.”
An hour into it, children say that they’re ready to see it again; that’s because it’s an assemblage of spare parts — it has no emotional grip.”
Decades later, these words clearly have gotten lost in the undercurrent, but in this case, we’re relieved they did.
When those of us who grew up with Star Wars read things like this, it honestly makes us want to laugh and cry at the same time.
(Poor Pauline. Who hurt you?)
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
But this is tame compared to what comes next. John Simon, writer for New York Magazine, and a critic who embodied the reputation of “illuminating and savaging the films around him”, had quickly felt the dark side flow through him.
“I sincerely hope that science and scientists differ from science fiction and its practitioners. Heaven help us if they don’t: We may be headed for a very boring world indeed. Strip Star Wars of its often striking images and its high-falutin scientific jargon, and you get a story, characters, and dialogue of overwhelming banality, without even a “future” cast to them. Human beings, anthropoids, or robots, you could probably find them all, more or less like, that, in downtown Los Angeles today… O dull new world! “
Johns cynical portrayal of downtown Los Angeles sounds more interesting than he’s letting on. Still, I can’t help but feel the gravity weighing down this man as his body sulks even lower in his writing chair, saved only by the arms of the chair nearly pulling his shoulders out of socket at the unwillingness to sit up straight. My own back hurts, and gut protrudes just reading this.
And it goes on…
“We are treated to a galactic civil war, assorted heroes and villains, a princely maiden in distress, a splendid old man surviving from an extinct order of knights who possessed a mysterious power called “the Force,” and it is all as exciting as last year’s weather reports…. Why, even the most exciting fight is an old-fashioned duel, for all that the swords have laser beams for blades….”
John’s words might tempt one to shout “OK Boomer”,… except we are reminded that boomers were still young at this time. … Unfortunately, OK Lost Gen, OK Greatest just doesn’t have the same ring, and it opens up a whole new can of worms for elder disrespect.
This guy was a no-nonsense World War II veteran. Obviously he’s going to feel compelled to tear something called “Star Wars” apart for seeming trite.
Speaking of which, here is the best part.
“Here it is all trite characterization and paltry verbiage… The one exception is Alec Guinness as the grand old man Ben Kenobi (Ben for the Hebrew ben, to make him sound Biblical and good; Kenobi probably from cannibis, i.e., hashish, for reasons you can probably guess.)…”
Okay. I take that back. John seems like the guy who calls everything new a “hippie” drug-induced hallucination. The kind of person who perpetually wants everyone to get off his lawn.
“Still, Star Wars will do very nicely for those lucky enough to be children or unlucky enough never to have grown up.”
If only John got a glimpse of what the 2020’s had in store for it. He’d be completely lost in a functioning nerd society (for the most part). He’d probably call the prequels a psychedelic-fueled fever dream. At least then, he might be half right.
I've got a bad feeling about this...
Then, we have the words of Kathleen Carol, writer for New York Daily News. Believe it or not, her review starts out bedazzling enough.
“If you are a kid at heart, a die-hard “Star Trek” fan or just a confirmed addict of Marvel comics, “Star Wars” will completely dazzle.
Using such interplanetary stalwarts as Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers for inspiration, director George Lucas has concocted a mind-blowing spectacle that sends the audience off onto the wondrously strange world of fantasy and satisfies just about everyone’s adolescent craving for a corny old-fashioned adventure movie.”
Here, she does point out the corny nature of Star Wars as a continuation of the kind of fandom that earlier pulp sci-fi has gathered. There is no lie here. However, it quickly delves into the burn.
“”Star Wars” is somewhat grounded by a malfunctioning script and hopelessly infantile dialogue. … Surrounded by these fascinating creatures, the actors barely hold their own. To be sure, Mark Hamill has a bland-faced innocence as Skywalker, and Carrie Fisher is comically plucky as the distressed Princess Leia, but Harrison Ford hams it up terribly as Han Solo, a cynical space pirate who has “flown from one side of this galaxy to another and seen a lot of stuff.”
It’s clear that Kathleen felt the actors of Star Wars were not deserving of the popularity they gathered. Okay; I can see Luke playing the stoic role as odd given his boyish demeanor and motivations. But Leia as “comically plucky’? … What wrong with a woman dealing with her bonkers situation with sarcasm?
It’s especially a shame that, according to her, the actor playing Han Solo was terrible. A terrible actor playing a terrible character. So sad that he likely would never be cast another movie roll.
I guess we’d have to find someone else to star in the Indiana Jones Trilogy, the Fugitive, Air Force One, Blade Runner, Patriot Games, … the Star Wars trilogy, and episodes VII thru IX.
… but of course, at this point, I’ve made myself no better than these critics.
Reading these has inspired my own snark, and everything that can be said in rebuke has no choice but to be over the top.
It’s just hilarious to me seeing how the things that we now see has grown into a cultural staple as a franchise was once ravaged by the most fiery of critics. In my mind, I felt the need to show you that… naysayers exist in every situation. Ultimately, they do not determine the success of something. They are just voices in a sea of other voices. The voices of fans, witnesses, and many more.
As creators of any media or art, it’s key to keep it all in mind.
And thank you for reading!
We’re all clear, kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!
Before you do, please check out some of my other articles here, and stay tuned for more Hilarious Bad Reviews,… whenever I get to them.
- A WTF Reading: Edgar Allan Poe
- Discovering Your Writing Superpowers! (The Exercise of Writing)
- Storybuilding: Save the Cat! Beat Sheet
All photos used are property of LucasFilms.
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